Everything is still fresh, like it all happened yesterday. Often I find myself feeling guilty for waking up in the morning. I made it through a night of sleep or unconsciousness (though I don't sleep through the night anymore.) and I'm waking up from it. I feel guilty for being here while he isn't. I guess this is typical of anyone who has lost a child. How life can be so unfair to the child leaving the parents feeling lost and constantly asking how could this happen?
Wow! It certainly makes you think about why we are here? Is it something deep and profound or is it just that we're here because life happens. Is the constant state of the universe devoid of life? Are there just small glimpses of life scattered around the universe? It's not here for some special purpose? Does life just reproduce itself as long as it can until it can't anymore? And not because it's going somewhere to a final destination. If a large asteroid were to hit Earth and completely annihilate life, it would sooner or later start all up again. Is there a purpose? Don't know?
All I do know is that the natural timeline of things was not what I've experienced. It's not what "normally" happens. Losing a child is not "normal". Ben has left us so many great memories. He was someone with so many talents, abilities and potential. He taught us so many lessons. It's just so difficult to accept sometimes that he's not with us anymore. He gave so much of himself and never wanted anything in return.
Here I go talking about Ben as I usually do. I know I should be celebrating his life more than being sad about losing him but maybe I'm not there yet? Maybe I'm just too sad still? I know it's be 2 and a half years since he left but it's just like yesterday for me. I relive every little moment I spent with him, at least the ones I remember. I still wake up in the middle of the night feeling him tightly squeezing my hand the day he left. I guess that will never leave me.
So many memories mostly great but many sad ones because of the so many times he spent at the hospital, in operation rooms or getting radiation or having to take chemo at home.
My den has turned into a shrine for Ben. I have photos of Ben (& Steph) everywhere. There are candles in front of each photo. Many of Ben's special things are on the shelves or framed. I guess this is all I can do to have him around now. I just can't get enough of watching videos of Ben. I miss my old life with him in it. I know there's a special bond between father and son and with Ben it was so much more. We got along so well. We joked together and he and I would finish each other's sentences. We had the same tastes as far as sports and creative interests. It's like meeting your soul mate and then never seeing them again. Not being able to see then grow up... I wish I knew what he would look like now. What would he be interested in? What would he be doing in university? I guess I can now only imagine...